Dear God -

I received this unexpected post from E, a long lost friend and a boyfriend from HS. He and I had a rocky almost immature past that I can laugh about now. I was so mean to him yet, he continued on. On the contrary, he was (and still is) very nice to me. I purposely refused to talk or communicate with E. I regarded his friends as spies; I didn’t want to have anything to do with him or with his friends. One reason is that I felt guilty for what I have done in the past and for being so mean and bitchy.

Anyway, the post came and we’ve exchanged 2 letters so far. I had told a friend of his about dad and I wanted this friend to tell E because he was close to my dad. His concern touched me and I could tell he was sincere with his sentiments.

When the second post came, it stopped me dead on my tracks. THE question came and I struggled with an answer. I thought about it and decided that it’s none of their business; it’s a private sensitive matter that I don’t wish to discuss with anybody but you God and myself. However, the more I thought about it the more sustained my thoughts became. I wanted to find an answer that is true to my heart. I asked my sister what she would do if she were in my shoes but my question was only answered by more questions from her.

So, here’s what I came up before I surrendered the question to you:

“With regard to your question as to why I have no kids yet, well, it is a matter of choice that I have made. I do love kids; I admire their innocent remarks and their unspeakable truth; I especially adore their carefree attitude about life. Often, I have wondered if having 1 or 2 would really complete my world. My sister and friends have shared many great stories about how much they enjoy the wholeness their children offer; how much more complete their lives are with them in it — things I may never understand. However, I have made a choice and I believe (that) my choice is in God’s plan. In life, there are things we regret or long for.  In my case, I cannot regret (or long for) something for which I never had in the beginning.  For now, I am thoroughly content with my life as it is and enjoying the precious moments I share with my own nephews and my friends’ kids.”

This, Lord, was a letter I drafted. It may never get sent to my friends who ask THE question but I have written down what I wanted to say. Is it from my heart? Some are and some were added for other reasons. So God, I am asking your blessing of grace – that you may shower me with your words and bless me with the courage to speak the truth. For now, I am surrendering this inevitable question because I really don’t know what to say or how to answer it.

Lastly, my dear God, I am enjoying the book The Shack. Your being is so powerful. If it were true, I’d like to be like Mack and walk on the water with Jesus so I may taste your friendship and your blessings. Thank You dear God for this day.