Dear God—–

15Jul- Thank you for this wonderful blessing of travel so I can see my family. Thank you for my loving and gracious relationship w/ my husband; for his understanding, patience, love. My friend Jill suggested that I address you God in my journal as this may help me write down my thoughts and feelings. Thank you God for the chance to see my mom, my sisters, and her kids. Lend me patience and understanding.

16jul-Hello Lord thank you for the chance to pay respects to my grandparents, aunt, and uncle. It felt good to be there. I know you have blessed them with eternal peace and I pray that you will continue to keep them close to you. Thank you dear God for this blessed day. I had the chance to see all 5 of us today- a sight to hold on to. Though we lead busy lives like ships crossing all the time I am blessed to see everyone today. Lord I truly accept that I was and am created for a purpose; that your will is yet to be completed by me -your servant. Please show me the way to know your word.

17jul-I have this gnawing feeling about sending an e-mail to M yet I know that it is probably not a smart move. While my intention is clearly sane it still might be perceived as a bit aggressive. I’d like to stop forcing things to happen. God I’m so glad you are in my life. I am grateful for your lessons – for teaching me to not be quick on my opinions and judgment about people and for letting me see the positive first before the negative. I opened my yahoo account today and saw M on line. I had two choices- to be seen or not. I chose to be seen. When M did say hello I was shaking almost nervous. We talked online for awhile and it was good. My shaking stopped and it started feeling normal. I told M that I was thinking of him and his dad and he says ‘yeah’- as if challenging me to tell more which I didn’t. Anyway I don’t know what to say to that so I changed the subject. In fact, there were 2 instances where I offered to changed the subject.

18jul- Good morning God. We are leaving for LV this morning. We are staying with a friend; later this evening, we will see Journey and of course, Arnel-our Filipino star. I met K’s boyfriend last night. He seems nice; open; willing to show K that he cares for her. I am happy that she is happy- and really that is all that matters. Thank you Lord for making me who I am; for giving me the grace of knowing happiness. We met E – a batchmate from HS at his newly opened resto here in LV. I haven’t seen E for over 10 years. His wife P was at the resto- they have 2 kids [5,9] and are both in CA for the Summer. Lord, I pray that E will find his calling and I pray that he and his family will have good health, success, and grace from you. Arnel was awesome at the concert. He wowed people like there was no tomorrow. We met L and M after the concert at Blue Martini. We had a fab time despite kids, boyfriends, husbands near and far.

19jul-Thank you Lord for this great trip. I thanked H for allowing me to go and he replied that I can do whatever I want as ‘long as I will love him forever’. Thank you dear Jesus for this blessing of trust and freedom. I have a little headache and I feel thirsty- but happy Lord for my blessings. This weekend with friends also brought questions regarding babies, pregnancy, relationships, divorce. Honestly, I don’t enjoy these questions but am happy to participate. In a way, I really don’t know what to say as to why at 37 I have no child. When I say I don’t know if I want a child it makes me sound selfish; when I say I couldn’t decide it makes me sound immature. Either way it is something that requires further thinking. Lord, I am hopelessly confused and out of sorts when this topic arises for I want to be honest yet I can’t. Of course, if given the chance to have children I would. I would even have more than 1 to fill our big house. But how do I fill this void with humility and truth? I am glad that my friends appear to be understanding and not nosey. But this is something I need to emotionally understand. Lord, help me find the strength to understand the question, to humbly answer it, and to accept my fate for I know Lord that you did not make a mistake when you made me. Show me Lord my purpose -your will for me so I may understand this life and find answers to my questions.

Lord I had such a great day today with friends. Thank you for letting us have a good, safe time. Earlier I thanked H for letting me spend the weekend with my friends. He responded that I can do whatever I want as long as I will love him forever. I realized that H’s love language definitely is Words of Affirmation and we affirmed our love through words. I’m waiting at the airport for my flight. I have 3 hours left.

20jul – I have been home for hours now and I am so glad to be home. I am tired and my body is screaming fatigue as well. I took a very short nap but that was all I was allowing myself. Lord, I want to say thank you for your blessings of today.