Question of the day
Dear God -
I received this unexpected post from E, a long lost friend and a boyfriend from HS. He and I had a rocky almost immature past that I can laugh about now. I was so mean to him yet, he continued on. On the contrary, he was (and still is) very nice to me. I purposely refused to talk or communicate with E. I regarded his friends as spies; I didn’t want to have anything to do with him or with his friends. One reason is that I felt guilty for what I have done in the past and for being so mean and bitchy.
Anyway, the post came and we’ve exchanged 2 letters so far. I had told a friend of his about dad and I wanted this friend to tell E because he was close to my dad. His concern touched me and I could tell he was sincere with his sentiments.
When the second post came, it stopped me dead on my tracks. THE question came and I struggled with an answer. I thought about it and decided that it’s none of their business; it’s a private sensitive matter that I don’t wish to discuss with anybody but you God and myself. However, the more I thought about it the more sustained my thoughts became. I wanted to find an answer that is true to my heart. I asked my sister what she would do if she were in my shoes but my question was only answered by more questions from her.
So, here’s what I came up before I surrendered the question to you:
“With regard to your question as to why I have no kids yet, well, it is a matter of choice that I have made. I do love kids; I admire their innocent remarks and their unspeakable truth; I especially adore their carefree attitude about life. Often, I have wondered if having 1 or 2 would really complete my world. My sister and friends have shared many great stories about how much they enjoy the wholeness their children offer; how much more complete their lives are with them in it — things I may never understand. However, I have made a choice and I believe (that) my choice is in God’s plan. In life, there are things we regret or long for. In my case, I cannot regret (or long for) something for which I never had in the beginning. For now, I am thoroughly content with my life as it is and enjoying the precious moments I share with my own nephews and my friends’ kids.”
This, Lord, was a letter I drafted. It may never get sent to my friends who ask THE question but I have written down what I wanted to say. Is it from my heart? Some are and some were added for other reasons. So God, I am asking your blessing of grace – that you may shower me with your words and bless me with the courage to speak the truth. For now, I am surrendering this inevitable question because I really don’t know what to say or how to answer it.
Lastly, my dear God, I am enjoying the book The Shack. Your being is so powerful. If it were true, I’d like to be like Mack and walk on the water with Jesus so I may taste your friendship and your blessings. Thank You dear God for this day.
Add comment August 5, 2008
urzahir
Zahir
To my dearest Zahir -
You have been in my thoughts lately and I’m not sure why. I keep pushing your face away, the memories of the time we spent together, the warm touches we shared. I think you are my ZAHIR but I don’t want to accept it. Logically, this cannot be possible because you have a wife and I have a husband. We live in two separate world and have two very different lives.
I want to keep thinking of you but not like this. You are invading my thoughts and I want you to leave me for awhile. I’m sorry to be impolite but you cannot intrude in my waking hours without permission. I gave you freedom; now it’s your turn to give me mine.
I am glad I can write to you, my ZAHIR – for through this I can “act” on my feelings and dismiss them as fast as I can think about writing it all down.
Please go away for awhile.
Add comment August 1, 2008
urzahir
Tags: Love
Daily Living
I can’t believe it is Sunday evening already. Where has the time gone? I’ve been so busy since Friday with projects that have been gnawing at me for months now. I threw away many things including memories that can only be reduplicated by me –if I choose to. I scanned through photos that brought back memories; most made me smile while some didn’t jostle a nerve. When I was sorting through what to keep and what to throw it made me realize that I have experienced so much in this lifetime. I know, I know..I am only 37 years old but I feel like I have lived so much already. Now, I am not giving up or anything because as I’ve learned only God has the power to take away a life. I’m just saying that I’ve seen so much, done so much in this lifetime.
I spent the whole of Friday shopping or more like window shopping. I bought a few things for myself and for H. It was exhausting going into shops, looking, touching, even trying on cloting. I sometimes wonder what Olympic trial I am preparing myself for when shopping. Anyway, when H came home that evening I showed him my purchases only to find out that he didn’t care for the 2 shirts I bought him. He didn’t care for them because they are just “regular” shirts and while they look “trendy” the ones more suitable for his chosen sport has a “quick dry or cool” quality. I was disappointed that he didn’t like what I’ve chosen but relieved that I could save some money.
Saturday arrived; we woke up late and immediately I started on some of the projects I’ve been wanting to finish. When I was finished sorting I swept the basement and got ready for church. We drove to the mall after the service and exchanged a few things, had dinner, and went for a walk upon arriving home.
Now, it is Sunday evening and I am blogging about my weekend. I have finished reading “The Zahir” by Paolo Coelho and love it so much I want to jot down some memorable lines. See you again soon.
Add comment July 28, 2008
urzahir
Tags: Life
Thank You
Dear God,
I continue to think of things to write down and though I find it difficult at times to find the time to jot an emotional (or brilliant) thought I am inspired to do so through this blog. I feel kind-of unsure as to how this blogging thing will go. I am using first initials to identify the people I care about and I am feeling a bit “unpersonal”. I hope that if this is read by one of my “loved ones” that they will understand that their privacy matters most to me than anything.
I had an easy day at work and I want to praise you dear Lord for your blessing. I am thinking of multiple projects to do during my downtime and while this time is so precious especially during the school year I can honestly say that I am bored to death –at this time. I don’t want to work hard as this type of action actually requires thinking; rather, I want to work just enough to keep my sometimes impatient mind busy.
I left work early to drop off some things at the Goodwill store. I also stopped by a few other stores to buy school supplies and found some great deals at Target for my charity. I feel blessed when I buy stuff for the kids. My friend has informed me that she has collected more canned goods for my charity; this is so nice of her especially after the calamity that has inflicted the city. My friend will also help pay for the cost of sending the box. I am excited to pass along this great news to my other classmates/friends.
Sometimes, I believe that this charity is only one of my callings. This charity fulfills me; it makes me a gracious person for the wonderful blessings I have (and often times ignore or take forgranted). It creates in me a sense of fulfillment, a satisfaction that only can be achieved through the eyes of the children. I am so grateful for this blessing of generosity.
Add comment July 22, 2008
urzahir
Tags: Life's Blessings
Dear God..
Dear God—–
15Jul- Thank you for this wonderful blessing of travel so I can see my family. Thank you for my loving and gracious relationship w/ my husband; for his understanding, patience, love. My friend Jill suggested that I address you God in my journal as this may help me write down my thoughts and feelings. Thank you God for the chance to see my mom, my sisters, and her kids. Lend me patience and understanding.
16jul-Hello Lord thank you for the chance to pay respects to my grandparents, aunt, and uncle. It felt good to be there. I know you have blessed them with eternal peace and I pray that you will continue to keep them close to you. Thank you dear God for this blessed day. I had the chance to see all 5 of us today- a sight to hold on to. Though we lead busy lives like ships crossing all the time I am blessed to see everyone today. Lord I truly accept that I was and am created for a purpose; that your will is yet to be completed by me -your servant. Please show me the way to know your word.
17jul-I have this gnawing feeling about sending an e-mail to M yet I know that it is probably not a smart move. While my intention is clearly sane it still might be perceived as a bit aggressive. I’d like to stop forcing things to happen. God I’m so glad you are in my life. I am grateful for your lessons – for teaching me to not be quick on my opinions and judgment about people and for letting me see the positive first before the negative. I opened my yahoo account today and saw M on line. I had two choices- to be seen or not. I chose to be seen. When M did say hello I was shaking almost nervous. We talked online for awhile and it was good. My shaking stopped and it started feeling normal. I told M that I was thinking of him and his dad and he says ‘yeah’- as if challenging me to tell more which I didn’t. Anyway I don’t know what to say to that so I changed the subject. In fact, there were 2 instances where I offered to changed the subject.
18jul- Good morning God. We are leaving for LV this morning. We are staying with a friend; later this evening, we will see Journey and of course, Arnel-our Filipino star. I met K’s boyfriend last night. He seems nice; open; willing to show K that he cares for her. I am happy that she is happy- and really that is all that matters. Thank you Lord for making me who I am; for giving me the grace of knowing happiness. We met E – a batchmate from HS at his newly opened resto here in LV. I haven’t seen E for over 10 years. His wife P was at the resto- they have 2 kids [5,9] and are both in CA for the Summer. Lord, I pray that E will find his calling and I pray that he and his family will have good health, success, and grace from you. Arnel was awesome at the concert. He wowed people like there was no tomorrow. We met L and M after the concert at Blue Martini. We had a fab time despite kids, boyfriends, husbands near and far.
19jul-Thank you Lord for this great trip. I thanked H for allowing me to go and he replied that I can do whatever I want as ‘long as I will love him forever’. Thank you dear Jesus for this blessing of trust and freedom. I have a little headache and I feel thirsty- but happy Lord for my blessings. This weekend with friends also brought questions regarding babies, pregnancy, relationships, divorce. Honestly, I don’t enjoy these questions but am happy to participate. In a way, I really don’t know what to say as to why at 37 I have no child. When I say I don’t know if I want a child it makes me sound selfish; when I say I couldn’t decide it makes me sound immature. Either way it is something that requires further thinking. Lord, I am hopelessly confused and out of sorts when this topic arises for I want to be honest yet I can’t. Of course, if given the chance to have children I would. I would even have more than 1 to fill our big house. But how do I fill this void with humility and truth? I am glad that my friends appear to be understanding and not nosey. But this is something I need to emotionally understand. Lord, help me find the strength to understand the question, to humbly answer it, and to accept my fate for I know Lord that you did not make a mistake when you made me. Show me Lord my purpose -your will for me so I may understand this life and find answers to my questions.
Lord I had such a great day today with friends. Thank you for letting us have a good, safe time. Earlier I thanked H for letting me spend the weekend with my friends. He responded that I can do whatever I want as long as I will love him forever. I realized that H’s love language definitely is Words of Affirmation and we affirmed our love through words. I’m waiting at the airport for my flight. I have 3 hours left.
20jul – I have been home for hours now and I am so glad to be home. I am tired and my body is screaming fatigue as well. I took a very short nap but that was all I was allowing myself. Lord, I want to say thank you for your blessings of today.
Add comment July 21, 2008
urzahir
Tags: Life, Relationships, Religion
